I love my job. Too bad Elon doesn\u2019t let us work from home anymore because he\u2019s a hateful little shit.<\/p>\n
But it doesn\u2019t matter, I\u2019ll drive to work every now and then to check out Tesla\u2019s secret press office headquarters.<\/p>\n
They are located underground in the lair of a secret island.<\/p>\n
Yes, I was a bit nervous about this when I went for the interview. It\u2019s all a bit of a Dr. Evilly thing, you know what I mean.<\/p>\n
During the interview, Elon informed me that if he pushed a button, the floor would open up and I would fall into a pool of sharks. I don\u2019t know if he was flirting with me or not.<\/p>\n
“But maybe you can at least buy me a horse?” I said, flirting back. I knew Elon had been accused of offering to buy a female employee a horse in exchange for sex.<\/p>\n
I love horses. I\u2019d give him a horse in a second. I mean, what\u2019s so hard about jerking off to some dick? I\u2019ve done it a million times. Please, horse!<\/p>\n
I have a very good wanking technique that a guy showed me years ago. You can read about it here.<\/p>\n
I did it to Elon, and he said: “You\u2019re hired, baby! He launched his Tesla rocket in less than a minute, no lie.<\/p>\n
I never got the horse, but I got the job. (Although, can I just say it wasn\u2019t a dick the size of a horse. A pony, maybe. My little pony will be my pet nickname if I ever do it again, which I certainly won\u2019t. Now that I have a job as his secret spokesman, I don\u2019t need to jerk off. I just have to make up happy lies about Elon, and I love my life! Yay!).<\/p>\n
Get to HQ, Christine! And get me some good press or I\u2019ll take the horse.<\/p>\n
What fucking horse, Elon?<\/p>\n
I was wondering if the horse was delivered to my neighbor\u2019s farm by mistake, you know, one of those cases where Amazon delivers the goods.<\/p>\n
So I immediately issued this press release. It was simple. I love writing non-fiction, and there is no greater tale in history than the myth that this jerk is somehow worthy of two seconds of our attention. Please enjoy.<\/p>\n
About six years ago, Elon Musk experienced a revelation.<\/p>\n
“I was paying these guys to make noise with their blowers, etc.,” he said. “And all I really needed was lawn mowing. I could have done that. All I needed was a lawn mower.”<\/p>\n
Musk didn\u2019t just head to the Sears store to buy a lawn mower. That\u2019s not his style.<\/p>\n
He designed and built his own lawnmower from scratch in his spare time after working at his two amazingly successful companies, SpaceX and Tesla.<\/p>\n
“My lawnmower is basically a spaceship that takes off about three inches off the ground and then lands again, every two seconds, and cuts my grass that way.”<\/p>\n
“Absolutely,” he said. “After we get approval from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. You see, this lawnmower is powered by a Tesla battery that gets its charge from the sun, and if the sun isn\u2019t shining, a miniature nuclear reactor kicks in to ignite the thing.”<\/p>\n
Obviously, there\u2019s a lot of red tape for mini nuclear reactors, so it\u2019ll be a while before we can buy one for our backyard. In the meantime.<\/p>\n
“I didn\u2019t like having cleaners around all the time,” Musk says. “People make me nervous, especially when they\u2019re in my space. So I created a cleaning robot that will do dishes, laundry, etc. Her name is Optimus Maid.”<\/p>\n
“I compost my feces and use it to grow tomatoes the size of basketballs.”<\/p>\n
Okay, that\u2019s weird and gross. How the hell does he compost his feces?<\/p>\n
“I don\u2019t go to the toilet in the toilet bowl. I go to the bathroom in a Tesla potty that turns feces into compost by adding nitrogen and Exlax.”<\/p>\n
OK. I\u2019m eating here. This is making me sick. Can we cut to the chase?<\/p>\n
“I\u2019ve been trying to dig a hole for China,” he said. “In my backyard. It\u2019s not working out very well. So far, I\u2019ve only managed to get as far as Belarus.”<\/p>\n
Elon Musk dug a hole to Belarus from his backyard in Austin, Texas?<\/p>\n
“Yes, but just don\u2019t tell anyone, please. It\u2019s going to be a whole new way to travel internationally, completely replacing passports and customs officials. When I start sending people to different countries through this amazing hole in my backyard, there will be some very pissed off bureaucrats there.”<\/p>\n
Awesome! Is the hole to Patagonia already in place? I\u2019ve always wanted to visit Patagonia, haven\u2019t you?<\/p>\n
“Well, I taught myself how to fly by waving my arms fast,” he said. “It was a simple math problem that I solved.”<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know if you guys have seen that a flying guy has been spotted near the Los Angeles airport a few times. They thought he was wearing a jetpack. But he wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Elon was just waving his arms around. If he gets into an updraft, he can stop waving his arms. Yeah, that\u2019s pretty cool.<\/p>\n
Well, actually, there is. He lives on an asteroid made entirely of diamonds. He\u2019s keeping it a secret because once he figures out how to mine the diamonds and get them to Earth, the price of diamonds will of course plummet, so it\u2019s super secret. He\u2019s just going to bring back some diamonds every year.<\/p>\n
OKAY. That\u2019s a super super secret. But yes, Elon has opened a portal.<\/p>\n
Elon Musk has become immortal.<\/p>\n
Elon Musk\u2019s farts now smell like oranges.<\/p>\n
Elon Musk doesn\u2019t need to sleep anymore.<\/p>\n
Elon Musk.<\/p>\n
Elon Musk.<\/p>\n
Elon Musk.<\/p>\n
Elon Musk!!!<\/p>\n
Isn\u2019t he dreamy?<\/p>\n
(Honestly, sometimes this job makes me sick. But in this economy, baby, I\u2019ll swallow the vomit).<\/p>\n
Want more Christine?<\/p>\n\n